What.. is this? - Nicholas

Place: Nicholas' residence
Date: Mid-february, year 1052. After Nicholas met Moon.
Time: I forgot. Whatever the time is when he leaves Moon.
Weather: Not relevant
Outfit-ish. More raggy and filthy. Definitely just wearing normal shoes.
Dedicated to: @Nicholas

It was getting late, the sky was dark and there were few people outside. He says his farewell to Moon as he gets his keys up. His head was clear again, no trace of the sedative from earlier. The plan was to get the samples to the lab, get some food and start working. As he puts the keys in the door he notices that its already open. Was someone here? Did someone break in and steal something? he didn't have much of anything other than medical supplies that included drugs. He opened the door with caution as he steps inside. But what he saw was not what he was expecting, A joy filled his whole body as he dropped his bag by the door. "Lucile?" Seeing her again made him so happy again, without even knowing the reason to her visit, just her being here made him feel good. But he was curious to why she was here, was something wrong? Did she need anything? or was she just here to see him? Either way he couldn't help but to smile at her. But the smile quickly faded when he noticed how in distress she was. Something was wrong, he follows her gaze at the table and sees the book. "No... Please tell me you didn't read it" He hadn't even read the book himself yet but he knew what it contained. Detailed description of the torture she went through, most likely with Ramsey's sadistic tone to it. He felt as if his heart was fading as he saw her like this.

"I know this is hard on you, you weren't suppose to read that, or even know about it. Not yet." he says as get moves closer to her, but not too fast, she was clearly scared of him after reading it, and it was fully understandable. "I got it from your sister, it will be a huge help to reversing what he did to you." It was so good seeing her again, but not like this, not with that information just pushed onto her. She would see it eventually but it would be better if he could have eased her into it. As he gets to her he crouches down and gently grabs her hands, trying to move them away from her face. "Its real Lucile.. I'm sorry you had to see it like that, it's not how i wanted you to discover it" he says with a sad expression on his face as he looks her in the eyes. He moves his hands to her shoulder as he moves her in for a hug. He hated seeing her like this, just like before, whenever she was devastated like this his hear felt like it was tying a knot around itself. He should have hidden the book better, he knew it was stupid of him to just place it in the bookshelf. Hopefully he could make this better for her.

Seeing her in a state like this was unbearable, it was another moment where his is skill set and knowledge wouldn't be of any help to her. As he moves in on her he notices she started to shake, clearly afraid of him, and when she spoke it made it even more clear. He leaned back, giving her space but also shocked at what she was saying. Working for Ramsey? If she only knew the hate he harbored for him, it was the only man he could sleep guilt free knowing he died on his operating table. "How can you say that?... You know that's not true.." He wasn't angry at her, he understood where she was coming from, after reading what see did, from a book in his shelf without him mentioning it's existence. He sat down in front of her, close, but giving her space. Time was his best ally right now, he couldn't rush anything, he had to follow her pace, but he was going to be with her all the way. If that meant no sleep then that's what it meant. There was no way he was leaving her side. He had completely forgotten about the Disease from earlier, nothing came before Lucile, didn't matter what it was, she came first.

As she started speaking he was confused, trying to figure out what she was talking about, but then it started to make sense, she was reciting what she had read from the book. That wasn't good, it meant it had been imprinted in her mind. He heard the affect it had on her and tried to stop her. "Lucile stop, please... don't do this to yourself.." yet she ignored him and finished the sentence. As she was nearing the end of it her voice was giving up from the pain, bringing a tear to his eye, rolling down his cheek as he clenched his teeth together. The knot on his heart was getting tighter. As he hears her sobbing he places a hand on her shoulder carefully, ignoring his own advice from earlier. "Lucile?..." He had trouble with his own voice at this point, getting affected by her as she was breaking down. "Please talk to me... don't go through this alone.." Nothing killed him more than knowing she went through this alone, pushing him away. If he was not able to help her, then what the hell was he useful for.. He felt the guilt consume him as he looked at her, she wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for him. It was his fault she was suffering right now, because of his own stupidity.

He thought about the sedative in his bag, it would make her sleep, getting her out of the traumatic experience for now. And after resting she would be more fit to handle the situation. That was the best case scenario, worst case would be making her take the sedative, she gets knocked out for a while, has a nightmare the short time she is under and wakes up with a headache after sedative, making her more afraid of him. Besides, it wouldn't be fair, he had no right doing it, he didn't even want to do it, he was just trying to think of solutions. She had to deal with this sooner or later, fate had decided it would be now, so they would just have to make the best of the situation, bad as it was.

Her touch always made him feel better, as she leaned in on him he felt the knot on his heart getting lighter, he didn't feel as useless anymore. "You don't have to apologize.. It's alright, we'll get through this.." he said quietly whilst holding around her. But before the moment could last any longer she went completely numb, which only meant one thing, Lucy was coming. He lifted her her up but as Lucy came to, she sat up on her own being paranoid about her sister. "It does make sense, she thought it could help, which it can, that's the only reason behind it. She's not as bad as you think she is" She didn't seem to listen to him as she stood up. Before he could follow her she dragged him by the collar up to her level, shouting accusations at him again. Letting her anger out on him, and he knew it was the anger talking, he wasn't bothered by it, even if what she said was hurtful. It was better letting it out rather than keeping it inside, letting it boil and get worse. "I know you're angry at me, that's fine, let it out. But you and me both know i am nothing like that monster, and i would rather die than become him.." As he thought, it was to no avail, she was still angry at him, he understood it, it was good, getting the rage out and focusing it at him. Hopefully it would make her feel better releasing some steam. She switched places with him and pressed him up against the wall with an indescribable rage on her face it didn't seem it was all directed at him. "I haven't read the book yet so i can't tell you the solution, but there is one, everything in this universe can be undone. It doesn't matter if you body is no longer here, everyone's body is temporary anyway, we will find a way." It didn't seem like anything he said stuck to her, like it all bounced off her. But that didn't mean he would stop trying.

As she turned around facing the door he knew she was thinking of leaving, which wasn't good, not in her condition. Besides, he didn't want her to leave, selfish as he was. He grabs her shoulder as he walks in front of her, looking her in the eyes. "We will fix this, i promise you" saying with determined eyes. This was something he would not break, he was going to make good on that promise, whatever it took. They have gotten too far to stop now. "We are so much closer on this than we were before, don't give up on me yet" If she left he would be more worried than before, a lot more, seeing as she was angry and emotional which could lead to a lot of things happening. It was better if she stayed here ant took it out on him, then he'd know she was safe. She could stay here for as long as she wanted, he didn't mind that, in fact he relished at the idea of it. "Please stay..." he said with an almost pleading voice, not breaking eye contact with her.

He had a feeling he couldn't keep her here, and his feeling was right, she was too angry, she needed to let out a lot more and knowing Lucile she probably wouldn't let her do that to him even with his permission. She was heading out, even if he were to try and force her to stay, he wouldn't be able to. "Something horrible?" He could guess what that meant, he was going to follow her. Stop her from doing something stupid. Her threat didn't scare him. But then she mentioned Lucile, maybe she needed to work this out alone, without him. He felt so useless in the situation but there was nothing he could do about it. Before she walked off she got up close to him and whispered to him "We wont hold back" A flashback hit him of their moment in the alley where she almost ate him. He wasn't afraid of what she would do to him, he was ok with the idea of dying by her hands. Especially if it meant someone else would live, and prevent her from going through with a mistake.
As she went past him he stood still, looking blank in the space ahead of him. But when he heard her stop at the door he turned around, hoping she had reconsidered. She remained silent and left without looking back. He stared at the door for a brief moment, trying to get a hold of his thoughts, but he feels the anger boil up to his head. He turns around and kicks a chair in the side, flinging it across the room. "GODDAMMIT" he yelled placing both his hands on his face, pressing hard against it. After a brief thought, he ran for the door opening it to go after her, but his grip held tight on the frame, not letting go. He had to stop himself, this was something she had to deal with alone, he would just have to trust her to not do anything stupid. The door shut behind him as he shuffled back to the table in an almost zombie like state, dropping down on the chair behind it. Staring at the book that cause all this he wanted to rip it to shreds and burn every single piece of paper in it to ashes, if it wasn't for the fact that he needed it. He reached out for it and dragged it to him, opening it on the first page.
"Day 1.." It started the way he expected it, it was similar to how they did it in the hospital, if the devil was the one writing it that is. But there further he got, the harder it was to continue, emotions of all kind filled him as more he read. The guilt of not being able to help her, the anger for Ramsey, and the sadness for what had been done to her. As he read the book he didn't move an inch throughout the entire book. But after reading a few days, seeing what was done to her, he was shaking, tears were rolling down his face as he felt the hearts grip getting tighter. When finishing the book he threw it on the table, he knew this was going to be hard. And the answers he was looking for were in the book. But it wasn't the answers he wanted. It had only made it worse. He knew he couldn't work under the emotional pressure he was under, he couldn't move the focus away from Lucile, so there was only one solution to it. He stood up and walked over to the bag by the door, tears dripping to the floor, he was not crying, but tears kept running down the cheeks of his emotionless face. He opens the bag and picks up a syringe, checking that it was not one of the sedatives from earlier, it had to be morphine. After confirming it brings a medical belt and moves over to the sofa. He sits down on it, rolling up his sleeves, fastening the belt above his elbow, exposing the veins. He holds up the syringe, gazing at it like he was reconsidering his options. Lucile would probably hate him for doing this, but it was a necessity, this was for her. Making him focus on the task at hand. He moves down to his arm, piercing the vein as he slowly presses the morphine in, leaning back as he feels it enter his body. He puts the syringe on a table nearby, loosens the belt and leans down on the sofa, feeling the high overtaking his emotions..

**A week or so later**

The mess was everywhere, he hadn't washed since the day before she left. He was wearing the same clothes as well, not once taken them off, he walked around with only a now beyond filthy shirt that had a ripped open sleeve, sick of rolling it up and down all the time. He had a small stubble growing, his eyes were that of a broken man, the redness under his eyes was clear as day. His sleeping consisted of passing out from exhaustion or a morphine injection. He had skipped days without eating anything, only swallowing down something when he was too weak to work. There had been little patients coming but the ones that had come he ignored, pretending to not be home, locking the door. He had spent every waking moment pouring over books and paper. As for the notebook from Ramsey, he didn't even need it anymore. every word was written in the back of his head, he had read it over and over every day to see if there was something he missed. But no.. The book was in the fireplace, everyday when he passed it he wanted to light it up. But he knew it wasn't his place to do so.
He had been through every book that could even remotely help him. Physiology, psychology, demon lore, demon anatomy, abilities, abilities of the mind, several different surgery books, the list of them were endless. And they were all over the place, on the table the floor, the chairs. One of the books was ripped in half near the door. Frustration had gotten to him several times which was easily seen by the fresh wounds on his hands and the broken stuff around the house. He hadn't left the house in all this time, which he had to do soon. After hitting a wall in the work, he started working on the blood samples he had collected, and luckily enough found a match from a previous epidemic. That was three days ago, and he still hadn't sent word to Langdon about it. He planned on doing it all the time, but it got pushed all the time because of the work. And every time he hit a full stop in his work, his thoughts went to Lucile, what she had been doing all this time, and how disappointment she would be when she came back, and him not being closer to fixing her. And thoughts like that always lead to more morphine. The amount he was taking had increased enormously the last week, so much in fact that he had to look for veins in different places before they were used up.
And that's how every day went, work, failure, breaking something, morphine, repeat.
This day was no different, after having another injection he shuffled around looking for one of the books he might have missed something in. picking up one by one, reading the title and dropping it back down, the high was dying down and before he found the book he was looking for he heard another knock on the door, he was tired of people looking for help, there was no time for them. This time he didn't pretend to be away and made his way over to the door, opening it "I'm not taking any patien..." before he finished he saw it was Lucile. And shame filled his body the way he looked. But she just walked right past him, ah, it was Lucy, the shame disappeared as he didn't care what she thought of him. He shut the door behind her. When he looked back at her he noticed how his place looked, Books and paper everywhere, furniture knocked over, syringes laying around everywhere. But he was to far gone to care. He heard her question and looked at her fake smile, seeing right through it, also noticing the blood on the coat. Ignoring the question he walked towards her. "Where did you get that coat?.. What did you do?.. What did you make her do?.." with a voice that was getting louder and louder. As she mentioned how Lucile was barely there his rage was at an all time high, being unstable as he was, adding the suppressed emotions to his anger he lost control. When he was in range of her he grabbed her upper arms firmly as he continued to move he back, pressing her hard up against the bookshelf with the remaining strength he had left in his body, fueled by adrenaline and unstable anger. "What did you do to her?!" with a dark voice, flickering his eyes back and forth on her eyes. Forgetting Lucile was inside her.

His questions amused her. She didn’t seem to feel any sort of remorse for what she had done. And neither did she feel any need to elaborate what she had done, because it was obvious. She shook her head with a little grin on her face:” I simply got my revenge. Lucile didn’t have any inquiries on the matter. Sometimes I worry if she’s even there.” she continued, seeing that anything that revolved around Lucile seemed to anger him, something that she wanted.
She felt his grip around her upper arms and she didn’t fight back, this was fun! She leaned back against the bookshelf, looking at the ceiling for a short while as she laughed. “Why are you asking me? You broke her with having the book here. She’s so broken that I believe she’s barely there.” She then said, looking at him before tilting her head to the side. She was hoping to hit a nerve, the nerve that would break him down instead of angering him further. Wouldnt the best way be through projecting the blame? Make it seem like it was all his fault? It might as well be. However her smile faded quickly:” I am not here for simple chit chat. I asked you a question.” She then said, grabbing his upper arms from below. Hopefully her words had reached him, causing the inner confusion in him, that she wanted. She slowly dragged him closer to her, looking around his face.
“You know… She loves you. She truly loves you… If she knew what love was. I can feel it.” she said in a hushed voice with an unreadable smile on her face. She tightened her grip on his arms, with a sudden frown:” How she yearns for your touch, wanting to be near you, hear you, smell you… seek your protection…” she continued, this time with a slight jealousy in her voice. She clenched her teeth shortly after, thinking about what she wanted her next move to be. But then she realized. And a big grin spread on her face followed by a chuckle:” She’s not here to stop me anymore. You’re not a threat anymore… I can kill you!” she then said in a cheerful voice.
Shortly after she tightened her grip further, in a way that would start to hurt him. She used this opportunity to push him down, only squeezing harder if he struggled against her will. She smiled lightly down at him, letting him go. She then noticed the syringes:” Oh.. I see. Well that’s perfect. Sit tight doctor. We'll fix ya right up” she then said, picking up a couple of unused syringes. She looked at them, trying to determine if it was the right content in them all. Not that it would matter anyway. She then went to him, ready to push him down if he would attempt to get up. She had been feeding properly, so she was at her full strength.
“This is almost like a tragic story… Isn’t it?” she asked in a rather mournful voice, yet there was a hidden happiness behind it. She rolled up his sleeve, looking at the old marks, noticing that there was more. She looked at him and smiled in a sweet way before she then said:” Is there anything you want to say to her? I doubt she’ll hear you.. But we’ll see..” she said, obviously believing that there was no way that Lucile would come back and take control. A part of her was conflicted in this, but that was Lucile's feelings, the feelings that Lucy wanted gone. The only way to get them away and possibly completely remove Lucile, was to kill him.
[/justify]

He had no control over himself, the fact that he could even hold her against the wall was astonishing, but it was draining him of the little energy he had left. Adrenaline being the only thing keeping him on his feet as he was listening to what she told him. It was as he feared, she was taking control of the body, pushing Lucile away, maybe for good. He vibrated with anger at her, she was challenging his threshold for murder, if it wasn't for the fact that Lucile was in there somewhere the chances of him killing her was high. He didn't know what to say, all he wanted to do was yell in her face. He couldn't control thoughts anymore, he felt the lack of emotion in Lucy, talking to her wouldn't help. As his grip tightens on her arms she tells him something that he was suppressing in the back of his head all this time. He had misplaced his anger, it wasn't Lucy's fault, it was his... "I..." he let her go, taking a step back and looking at his hands. "What.. have i done..." With a shaky voice that was barely understandable. His whole body was shaking. This was his fault, so much anger that now was placed on himself, what happened to Lucile was on his hands, if she was... if she was dead.. There would be no life worth living, if she hadn't met him she wouldn't be where she was now. As she forces herself closer to him he doesn't have the strength to push her back, he was forced to listen to her. Tears started going down his face as his shaking got worse. Love.. Where was his protection now... he had failed the person he held higher than anyone else in this world. It was too much to live with, he felt physical pain in is heart, it felt like it was shattering in his chest. He broke the most valuable thing in this world, Lucile...

After delivering her threat and pushing him down on the table, his body was like a rag doll to her touch, there was no struggle, his mind was in distress, but he heard what she said, and he knew she meant it. "Please.. i cant.. take this. End it..." he said with a pleading voice. He was begging her to end his suffering, begging her to kill him. As she let him go to pick up the syringes he paid no attention to it, he just laid there on the table, looking up in the air, tears running down the sides of his temples, Spending his last thoughts on Lucile, hoping she would make it out of this somehow. Hoping he would meet her again somewhere. He felt her rolling up his sleeve, he knew what was coming, an ironic death. Morphine, the thing he used to escape his troubles, would now end them once and for all.. As she asked him for any last word for Lucile he replied. "I'm sorry i couldn't save you... I'm sorry i made this happen to you... Just know.. i Love you Lucile.." With an almost peaceful voice, he had accepted death, he welcomed it, his suffering was finally over. He closed his eyes and just laid still on the table waiting for Lucy to end it. He knew death would eventually catch up with him, the amount of times he had avoided him, the reaper would always have his way in the end, thinking back on the times he should have died, then using his last thoughts on Lucile again. The beautiful creature that saved his life from bitterness and hate. He was glad to have met her..

For once in his life, he was at peace, it felt like an eternity in his head, but in reality it had been mere seconds. He heard Lucy talking to someone, fighting them as the syringe hit the floor, he snapped out of his state of mind. Was that Lucile fighting her? It didn't matter, as his anger had passed he had time to think, and he was not ready to let go of Lucile, not while he was still breathing. As Lucy was struggling to take control of herself, he sees this as an opportunity to take her out, there was no better time to act than now, as she was distracted. He leaned off the table, slowly crouching down under the table where his bag was, still containing the sedatives from the week before. He didn't have any strength left in his body so he had to be careful about this, one miss and it would be over for both of them, Lucile and him. He reaches in the bag and finds the right syringe, slowing making his way behind her, seeing her struggle with her mind, looking at the notebook.
As she falls to her knees he moves in, grabbing her head as he leans down on her, forcing the needle in her neck, injecting the sedative. Just as he finishes she pushes him away with incredible force, making him almost fly backwards as he lands on his back. She struggles to stand as she walks towards him. He manages to get on his knees before she tumbles down, just before she hits the ground he catches her, falling down with her on top of him. He breathes out relieved things worked out. But he had to act fast, he had no idea how long it would work on a demon, and a blood demon at that. Thinking about the possible outcomes he sticks to one, seeing as there was no progress before she woke up. He gently picks her up, holding her in his hands as he looks on her face, desperately wanting Lucile to still be in there somewhere. The safest place would be on the operating table, so he carried her down to his lab, gently putting her down on the steel table, fastening leather restraints on her wrists ankles and hips. He didn't like doing this, restraining Lucile. He felt like a monster while doing it, seeing himself as another Ramsey, strapping her to a table. It was for Lucy, but it still didn't feel right. "Please forgive me Lucile.." he says with a shattering voice, leaning on the table with his elbows, around her midsection, holding his head with both hands, letting a tear drip from his cheek, landing on the steel table.

As he heard her moving on the table the guilt rose up inside him. Even if she told him he was not to blame, he still felt like he had done this to her, she wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for him. He sees her trying to move her hands as she thanks him, his eyes are still teary as he clenches his teeth together, swallowing. He moves in on her slowly, sliding his hands under her head as he presses his lips on hers for a long and passionate kiss, while a tear drips down on her cheek. He lifts his head and sees her close her eyes. "Don't say that... you are worth so much more than anything else in this world.." he noticed her hand opening so he undoes the restraint in a heartbeat and holds her hand firmly with both hands, leaning over her. He feels he grip tighten as she asks him to leave her, she was in pain, that was clear, as much as she tried to hide it from him he could tell. "No.. I'm never leaving you again..." If he would have followed her last time this could possibly have been avoided. But he was stupid, never again. As she starts shaking he gets worried, it was clear the body was reacting to something, but it couldn't be the sedative, not this late in the stages. Was the body rejecting something?
Then he remembered "Day 3. ..by the time we were finished, Lucile’s body started rejecting the soul.." Was she rejecting Lucy? If that was the case then she would die.. Lucy might have done terrible things but she didn't deserve to die, and that blood would be on his hands if it came to that. But there was nothing he could do, just like the book said, you needed two people with great mind abilities. He knew no one like that and trying to find this Dr. Jeremy would take too long. But he couldn't just watch he in pain like this while doing nothing, the least he could do was ease her pain. He lets go of her hand. "I will be right back alright?" He runs upstairs and fetches the Morphine syringe lying on the floor and proceeds to run back down to her. "You will feel a slight sting alight?" She would probably not even feel the needle seeing the pain she was in, but it was a habit saying it. He holds her arm down as he gently presses the needle in her vein, releasing the morphine, hoping it helps her, even if its just a slight bit. He had no idea how many of these shakes she would have, or how long they would last, but if she was rejecting Lucy then there was almost a guarantee it would turn into seizures. But he had to be careful with the morphine, too much and too frequently would get her addicted, and there was no way he was having that for her.
After putting away the syringe he held her hand firmly with one hand as he held her head with the other, making sure she didn't hurt herself as this went on. Seeing her in pain like that was unbearable, especially knowing he couldn't do anything about it, other than watch.. But there was no way he was leaving her here alone. He was going to stand by her side until it was over, no matter how long it would take. "Hang in the Lucile.. please.."

As the seizures went on he noticed the effect it had on her, the bruises around the restraints, the movements she had tearing her body around. There was no way he could remove the restraints, it would only allow her to move more, increasing the chance of her getting hurt more. The second he heard the crack he had to intervene, climbing on top of her, holding her down as much he could, these were very violent seizures, things were breaking inside her, she was coughing blood, sign that the lungs were under extreme stress, there was not enough blood for a punctured lung so for now things were still in the clear. She begged him to fix her broken rib, as he moves his hand along her chest, looking for the broken one. He found it by her reaction and avoided touching the area. There was nothing he could do about broken ribs, they had to heal naturally, the only thing he could do was keep her as still as possible, avoiding bones puncturing organs or tissue. Being already exhausted from a week of no sleep, he was weak, could barely hold her down, by the end of it, being around an hour. The only thing keeping him up was adrenaline, but he knew as bad as it was for him, she had to be completely broken. When it died down, he heard her breathe again, she seemed at peace, almost relaxed. And when she strokes his cheek and told him what she did, he couldn't help but to give off a relived chuckle as a smile formed on his face looking at her.
He immediately jumped off her and removed the restraints, trying to help her up, but she clearly wanted to do it herself, so he just stood close by, ready to intervene. "Take it easy" with a concerned voice, he had heard and felt bones break, it was hard for him not to just carry her off. When she leaned of the table he held around her back, trying to keep weight off her legs. "I know you can, just take it slow alright?" They took their time getting back up, lifting he a tiny bit off the leg as they slowly walked up the stairs. When they reached the top he lead her to the sofa, helping her lay down. He sits next to her, holding the side of her face with his hand, stroking her cheek with his thumb, smiling at her. "I knew you would pull through" He looks into her eyes as he goes in for a very gentle kiss on her lips. He was so happy she got through the worst part. She was lucky she had her demon traits working overtime to fix her, if she was a human he would have bedridden her fro several months. But he didn't purely rely on her demon self. He would have to check and support her wounds the best he could. And after some rest he could use his healing power if it was needed.

It had been a long time since he last saw her, and now that he finally had her next to him again, it felt good, he wanted to give her more than just a kiss, but in the state she was in, that wouldn't be a good idea, so he settled for a kiss for now. As she played with his face he smiled, looking at her "Such beauty..." probably giving off the vibe he wanted more of her. Rest? Yeah that was definitely needed, the quicker he got his rest, the quicker he could start healing her. But he really didn't want to leave her out of his sights. He saw her get up and before he could tell her to lay down she pulled him down instead, it came a surprise, but a nice one. He gave off a chuckle as he started yawning. "You're probably right" He could feel the body shutting down as if it was closing time at the factory. He looks up at her with his eyes struggling to stay open, he gently lifts his hand up to her shoulder, guiding his finger down her arm to her hand, grabbing it and dragging her back down. "You are hereby bedridden, sincerely, your doctor." with a tired yet funny voice, as he drifted off, not able to stay awake anymore. This was something he needed, a good night's rest. When he woke up he would have to spend quite the amount of energy on Lucile, depending on how fast she healed on her own. But he had no problems with that, more time alone with her. He could never have enough of that. But for now life was good, he was at peace again, no worries, still feeling the warmth radiating from her. There was still the business with Lucy, if she was pushed back, destroyed, or what else happened. But he was too tired to think about it, there was plenty of time tomorrow to think about that. He was both mentally and physically broken down, but a smile still formed on his face as he was sleeping.

There was no problem drifting off to sleep with Lucile next to him. Just knowing she was there relieved him of any worries of the world. His dream was good one, which he hadn't had since the last time they were together, and years before that. It was like her presence removed his past. Whatever it was, he made the sleep all that better. It was another dream about the kids from his earlier years, only this time, no bad endings, just pleasantness the entire dream through, making him wake up normally for once. He woke up as Lucile sat up, he didn't open his eyes, because he didn't entirely wake, it just put him in a lighter sleep, making it easier to wake up. His thoughts were no longer in the dream, he was half asleep, meaning he could control what he thought about, and he used that time on Lucile. Such a beautiful being, how could he be so lucky to meet her, it was almost unbelievable to him. When he felt her fingers go across his marks he immediately woke up, like she had pressed her finger in an open wound.
He turns his arm around hiding the marks from Lucile, he couldn't bare the shame he felt. "I'm sorry you have to see that..." Even his voice couldn't hide his shame. He knew that she knew about it, she figured that out the first time they saw each other, but to feel her touch it, looking at it, thinking about it. He felt bad for her, hopefully she didn't blame herself for it, why would she, it wasn't her fault, far from it actually. It was his own stupid decisions that led to it. Instead of stopping before it became a problem he continued, for several years. But only in moderate doses until the recent week. This week was bad, it had gotten way out of hand, he could even feel a slight itch as he thought about it.
As he spoke to her there was no way he could turn around and look at her, not with the shame he felt, so he just laid in the same position. "You shouldn't burden yourself with this... it's my problem.. i don't want you to worry..'" It's not like he had tried stopping before, it didn't do him any harm, his self loathing had no problem with the morphine, there was no one around that knew about it, so there was no reason to stop doing it as long as it worked. But now, there was Lucile, there was no way she approved of it, and why should she, it was a bad habit, did more harm than good. If you call suppressing emotions good. It would be hard, but he was willing to try giving it up for her, but it would not be a pretty sight, he knew how withdrawal worked, he had helped several patients out of it, and it was not a pleasant thing. Could he really expose that to her? She didn't deserve this shit..

Her comfort made him feel better, it always did, no matter the pain. He knew this day had to come at some point, if only he was just smart enough to not overdo it so it would be easier.. There was truth to what she said, the past is the past, we can't do anything to change it, but there was something she did get wrong. He could have changed the outcome, this didn't happen to him, he happened to it, no one forced him to do this. "That's the thing.. i made this outcome happen.." As he finished his sentence she crawled up on him making him look at her, he saw her frown clearly disagreeing with him. He heard her words and it made him realize something. She was right, he had no right telling her not to worry about him, after all if the roles were reversed in this situation there was no way he would not worry about her. They were in it together, that meant his problems were hers and vice versa, as much as he didn't like dragging her into it. As she stopped, he saw her disappointed face and he looked slightly away from her "You're right.." The next thing she said lit a fire in him as he looked her in the eyes. "NO, that's different, you were forced, you didn't have a choice.. i did.." He said, with a very serious voice. He wasn't going to let her feel bad about the stuff she had no control over, no matter what she had done. As she sat up and told him she had been loud he didn't even notice, he was to affected by what she said that he paid no attention to her volume.
He moves his hands to her thighs and gently strokes them as he says calmly "It's alright.. i understand that now.." He knew that he couldn't shut her out of his problems now, it was not his place to do so.
What she said next immediately go to him. He quickly sits up as she still sits on him, holds a hand on her upper arm as he moves the hand out of her face, tilting his head slightly down looking at her. "Listen to me Lucile, you are not responsible for what i did to myself, you hear me?" he said with a serious and slightly angry voice, not being angry at her, but the fact that he made her think she was the cause. "I started this a long time before i met you, and each and every syringe you see here is my doing, not yours. You're right, this would never happen if we never met, Us. We would never happen, if you hadn't set your foot through my door that day... you are the reason I'm alive Lucile.." he said with a sad but also happy tone. There had been days in the past where he thought about ending it all, the worst days, remembering what he had lost, the people that died because of him. But when he met Lucile, it all changed, he found a purpose again, a reason to live.. "So don't weep for me.." Smiling at her as he places a hand on her cheek, wiping a tear away with his thumb. He wraps his arms around her, pulling her in for a hug. "Don't you get it? You are my happiness, you are my light in this world, you could never cause me pain, for as long as it involves you there will be joy in my heart." After some brief silence, feeling her warm embrace, he had a resolution. "I'm going to stop.. starting now.. but it won't be a pretty sight... are you up for that?" He said with a caution in his voice. He would not think any differently of her whatever she chose to do. There was nothing in this world that could even put a dent in the love he felt for her.

He smiled at the fact that she was trying to make the quitting easier on him, she was so sweet. But he had to face it head on, it was about time he did it anyway. There was no reason to continue it anymore. And when he heard she would be there all the way it made him happy, it was what he expected she would do, but hearing her say it was much better. He still felt the kiss lingering from earlier, and wanted to steal another one from her. But as he moved in on her she put her hand on his chest and pushed him back saying she was hungry. He wasn't fazed by her appetite as he knew it was how it was. Just like the lion has to hunt the gazelle to survive, demons had to hunt the humans. It was the natural order of things. "I'm that appetizing huh?" he says with a grin on his face, trying to be funny. He recalled the package she ate and thought of something. He still had to talk to Langdon about the vaccine for the disease, and seeing as she was hungry he was sure to have something for her. "Well, i have just the solution for that. I happen to know the man that made that package you ate last time you were here. I have something i need to deliver to him. Sooo~ i suggest a walk with fresh air" Smiling at her while saying it.

"But first, we have some business to take care of" He said gently, giving her a weird look, implying he was up to something. He gently pushes her down on the sofa, sliding his hand under her shirt, up her stomach, guiding it slowly up to her chest. Putting the other hand down her pants, placing it on her thigh, moving it down. He leans over her, closing his eyes as he moves closer to her lips, stopping right before he touches them, teasing her. He opens his eyes, looking into hers as a grin formed on his face. "Time for your healing" whispering in a seductive way, before he gives her a quick kiss and leans back up a bit, smiling down at her. His hands were placed on some of the wounded areas, and they were getting warm, the healing had begun. For the healing ability to work, it had to be skin to skin contact. And the "patient" being Lucile, he had no problems with that.