We can't continue like this - Lucile

Timeline: Current time.
Time of day: Late night, not far off sunrise.
Place: Northern part of the dark Forest.
Surroundings: A research camp with dead bodies scattered around.
Weather: Cold and almost open sky.
Attire: But more worn and bloodstained, without the watch.
Dedicated to: @Lucile <3


As he stared at the young man's dead mortified expression, he heard someone running towards him, but paid little attention to it as he wasn't afraid of anything in his state of mind, and the fact that Wade and Tatia did not react to it. He could feel her stare without looking at her, he let out a faint sigh before he was slashes by her nails, barely reacting to it. Her being angry was one of the predicted reactions he had, even though she seemed more healthy than when he left her. It was first when she yelled at him he realized that it was Lucy and not Lucile talking, which surprised him, but explained the rage more. Despite that, he didn't break his stare at the body, but he heard everything she said, and it hurt, because it was all true, he was supposed to protect her, yet he had let her down so many times he had lost count. He let her grab him by the collar without reacting, letting her blow off the steam she needed to calm down. But when she saw what he was, shame started filling him up, so he gulps as he turns his face the opposite direction of Lucy. He didn't want her sympathy, or her understanding, he felt better when she slashed him, taking her anger out on him, because it was justified.

As Wade talked to Tatia about leaving, he heard them with his enhanced hearing, and it was a good thing that they were, Tatia needed caring for and it was not safe around here, he only wished they would take Lucy with them. When she sat down in front of him, he looked to the side, avoiding looking at her.. and the wound.. clenching his teeth as he did so. The things she said affected him, even if his heart was not beating anymore, he could still feel pain in it. She didn't understand, and why would she? she was only there for as a ride along. He opened his mouth and uttered the words faintly "Why fix her?...  Don't you see.. this is a good thing?.." Why couldn't she just agree to forget about him? She carried no love for him, that had been proven many times up to now, so why did she care so much? If he was gone, she would be in a safer situation, isn't that what Lucy was all about? Keeping Lucile safe, at all cost? Of course he cared about Lucile, that wasn't even a question, going through with this would mean he was never going to see their child.. He would never have that moment in the meadow that Lucia showed him.. Cozying up to Lucile on a warm summer day, seeing their children run around in the field.. But that dream was gone either way, being what he was, rendered the dream impossible, breaking his already dead heart. This would be better for them all, she wouldn't even have to get over him, because she didn't know him, it was the perfect time.

But then she started telling him about what had happened to her in the cage, about the man that tried to rape her. He knew she wanted to get a rise out of him, make him angry, react. The more detailed she got the more he felt the rage taking over, his breathing became longer and deeper, there was even a very faint growl at the bottom of it, the hands laying in on the ground had become clenching fists. But when she's done, he realizes that rage wouldn't solve anything, its what brought him here in the first place. So the rage turns to grief as he imagines what she went through. He closes his eyes and clenches his teeth as tears starts to run down his face. His voice is cracking, and faint as it was, didn't make it easier to understand. "That's why it's better.. that she stays away from me... Ramsay found her because of me... the baby almost died because of me.... she almost got.. raped... because of me... and just now, I.. almost killed her.." He exhales but it gives away that he is holding back more grief than he's showing. "All of this.. happened as i tried to save her.. If i were to.. disappear.. these things would stop happening.. We both know that." He sniffs and gulps as he looks up at the sky again, hoping she was unaware what was coming in not too long.

When Lucy mentioned that the baby would remind her of the memories it would be a huge risk indeed. Seeing that she was pregnant she would eventually wonder who the father was, sparking memories. But then again, Lucy or someone else could just lie and say the father died a while ago and make up some story to make it believable. But he could see that none of it got to her, she was not going to see it his way, that was very clear. She just refused to accept his blame in this, of course she didn't know about what had happened, with Ramsay touching him and reading where she was located. He might have gone after he with or without Nicholas, but if he was not in her life, Ramsay would have no one to pressure for information, and she might have gotten away. But it was like Lucile said not that long ago, what mattered was the here and now, and it seemed Lucy knew what he was up to, she knew morning was coming..

One detail he had almost forgotten he was reminded of by Lucy, Ramsay would still come for her, and now that he had read everything in his mind, there was no safe place for her that he knew of at least, because Ramsay knew about everywhere Nicholas did. It got his attention, more so than before. What she said started to piss him off, he didn't know if she meant it or just wanted a reaction out of him, but it worked. Of course he fucking cared about her and the child, how could she even think anything different. She was right about Ramsay though, as long as he was here, she and their child would be in danger. As she walked away he followed her with his eyes, he saw how emotional she was when she hit the tree. Why? The thing he just could no understand was why she cared so much about this, it made no sense to him.

As soon as Lucy started getting sarcastic, or if she was even being serious, it lit the torch in him. As she yelled at him he immediately got on his feet and walked towards her in a quick pace before grabbing her shoulders with a tight grip "Dont, test me!" He exclaimed with a fire burning inside him. Was she really taking this so little seriously? Or was she really that emotional about it? "Why do you fucking care Lucy, huh? You've never cared before, all you do is protect Lucile, you dont care about the consequences, making her kill, leave everyone behind. You even tried to kill me and Lucile, and was planning on getting rid of the baby. So tell me, why the fuck do you care so damn much? And give me a real reason, stop bullshitting me!" His voice was loud and full of anger, he was so sick of her telling him what to do. What the fuck did she do? All she cared about was herself, that's the reason she was keeping Lucile alive this whole time, because she would die herself if Lucile did. He didn't mind the blame he got, he deserved it, he was a shitty person for her. But the Hypocrisy was just to much to handle. He realized he just told her about soemthing she was not supposed to remember, but he figured she would not notice it and just think he meant something else.

His look moved from her eyes to the wound he made on her neck, making him realize how hard he was squeezing her shoulders, guilt rises as he lets her go, taking a step back and sighs. "Youknow, you're right. Ramsay will continue to go after her, and you are also right about me, i am supposed to protect her, and our child. I'll make some use out of this fucking curse, you go home protect Lucile, seeing as that's all you do. And I'll go after him, after all, its going to be a more even fight now. I'm a monster anyway, killing him would just add to the list." He said with pure angry conviction, Instead of dying here and now, he could kill Ramsay and at least secure his family's safety first.

He could see that she was actually seriously emotionally attached to this, but her answer did not satisfy him. It was as he predicted, she would never open up, and if he was being honest with himself he knew that before even asking her, it just came out because it was so annoying, her never opening up or telling anything, only throwing blame around. Of course he didn't know her, she's barely told him anything about herself, all he knew was that she was her own person, though when he tried thinking about her name it was just a blur.

Then she started to make less sense, his right to? He knew that at least Lucy wanted to be the one killing him, that was understandable, but it wouldn't change anything. "So what then, hm? You go and kill him? It's not like he knows every single part of you on top of his head, its not like he's in your head or anything, naah.. How many times have you beaten him? And why is it your right?.. No one, has any right, in taking a life.. And what do you think it will accomplish huh? The past is will remain the same, you wont feel better. If i kill him, or you kill him, or if he dies of a heart attack, the result is the same." He had a frustrated voice, he had headed butts with Lucy many times, but this time really got to him. He sighs as he continues "The fact is i am better equipped to fight him, im faster, possibly stronger, plus if I'm lucky, he doesn't know what i am, giving me a huge advantage. He will see you coming a mile away, and as long as Lucile and our child is in there, you know i wont let you go to him.." His voice had calmed down slightly, as he was tired of getting angry all the time, especially for the people he cared about, frustrating as she was at times, she was still a part of the family, to a certain degree, he still hadn't forgotten what she had done to Lucile, but he was very forgiving.

He saw the hand coming before it hit him, making him able to dodge it, but he had it coming, and she would feel better about it. He felt her fist bash into his upper lip, turning his head slightly to the side from the force. The punch had cut his lip and as he reaches up with his hand and sees that hes bleeding he puffs and grins. But as soon as feels the wound with his tongue he feels a familiar taste, her hand had left behind the blood she got from hitting the tree. He starts to hear her heart beat louder and steps a few steps away from her, looking away as a precaution. He has already made up his mind, he knew Lucy was angry, he was going to find someone to watch over her, make sure she didn't do anything stupid. He hears her angry rant, bringing his family in as a method of stopping him or something. It wasn't going to work, he had disappointed them all, Jonathan warned him not do become this, and yet here he was. Lucia may be a vampire but she is still innocent, he knew John would make sure she didn't feed on people like he had. Then there was Lucile, she did not want this, she said that, would her humanity even work on him anymore? after what he had done to her, he wasn't the same, he had removed her favorite sound in the world.. His heart was dead. Killing Ramsay would ensure his family's safety, and rid the world of something that should never have been spawned.

He started walking instead of responding to her, nothing he could say would change how she felt anyway, so there was no point. He heard he yell something but he didn't hear what, assuming it was some insults directed at him, he kept walking. But then she was back, Lucile. He gulped as he felt guilt take over again, he stopped in his tracks, not looking back at her. He wouldn't, he couldn't, He had to go, leave before it was too late, there was still things he had to do before heading directly for Ramsay. So why couldn't he move? He felt frozen, like he was not in control of his own body. He wanted to leave, but his body wouldn't let him..

As he stood there he thought about what Lucy had said to him. And she was wrong, it didn't matter if Lucile had been tormented by Ramsay, it was not her decision if he was to live or not, he already said that, no one could decide that. However, normally he would follow whatever wishes she had, so if she wanted him to live, he would not kill him. But it was different now, it wasn't about what Ramsay had done to her, to them or people in general. The reason he had to kill him was for what Ramsay would do, they all knew he was after Lucile. It wasn't about revenge anymore, it was to protect his family, making sure their future would be safe.
As for the fighting, he had no clue how to put his new strength to use, but he did know some fighting, to be able to join the field hospital in the war they had to go through extensive training in case they were attacked, not that it helped when they were..

When he feels her embrace, he closes his eyes as he missed this so much. But he didn't reacted, he stood still, not wanting to give in, and when he heard her pleading it made him clench his teeth "You're better off.. not remembering.." he whispered faintly, feeling it sting his heart as he said it. This wasn't something he wanted, not at all. He felt her grasp getting tighter as she pleaded him to stay, making his eyes get wet and a tear run down his cheek. It was heartbreaking for him, the more he stuck around the more he started to doubt what he was doing, it felt wrong, and it was, he knew that it was wrong, but it was necessary, he couldn't be selfish. The thing was, his body didn't listen to him, but it did comply to Lucile, so she had no problems turning him around, facing her. It made it all that more difficult looking her in the face has she held his, trying to figure him out. To his surprise she leaned closer and kissed him on his lower lip, it was something he couldn't resist, he had missed this more than anything, it had been such a long and shitty time without her, everything that had happened. He gave in and kissed her upper lip with the brief time her lips were on his, following her slightly after the kiss.

To her remark he responded faintly "You have no idea.." Looking down as he said it. This was so damn conflicting, all he wanted was to be with Lucile and raise their children. Just pick her up and run home, never letting go of her, make her remember every single detail, move to the woods and raise the family there with no worries. But no, of course that wouldn't happen, he had to become this thing, restricting her from so much happiness, living under constant fear that he could loose control again, and that Ramsay would eventually show up. Nothing could just be easy, not even for one moment..
He steps towards her and wraps her in a tight hug, leaning his head on her shoulder. "I love you Lucile.. that's the only thing you have to remember.. you have no idea how much i want to just go home with you.. But i can't do that.. you deserve so much better than this.." His voice is shaky but still in control. His grip around her gets tighter, but not enough to hurt her. "But when its all done.. I'll come back to you, i promise." He tried sounding more optimistic than he was, in all honesty he had no clue if he would survive it, but he wouldn't show his doubt to her.

He heard how frustrating it was for her not to remember anything, wanting to know why they feel so close, and he did want to tell her, go through everything they've been through, it would be a pleasure. But doing that would make it way worse on her when he left. It would be easier to loose someone you barely know rather than someone you know and love more than anything.
As soon as he heard her response it broke his heart, made him tear up more than he was. He could feel her pain like it was radiating through her skin, and this was when she didn't remember him, he couldn't imagine how she would be if she did. He felt horrible for putting her through this, the feeling was unlike anything he had felt before, only rivaling with how he felt about almost killing her, but this time he was in control, he was intentionally leaving her, and it was breaking him.

He had been feeling weaker for a while now but it had been overshadowed by the feeling for Lucile, making him not notice until he looked up as she took his hand. "Lucile.." He said shortly as he knew what she was doing, he knew she was going to take him somewhere to hide from the morning. But instead of questioning it he let her lead him to wherever she was going, he had to get inside somewhere either way, so some extra time with her wouldn't be bad. When they arrived at a the building he could feel his skin irritating just before they got in, meaning he was trapped here until it was dark again. Thinking about it, it was probably something she knew, hoping she could make him stay or reconsider what he was doing. He was going to stay here, not that he had a choice, but he was not going to get closer to her, he couldn't let his feelings make the decisions, not now. When she blocked the door and told him that he couldn't leave, he appreciated the efforts she put into making him stay. "Alright, I'll stay here until night time again.."

He walked around the room, it seemed to have been abandoned a long time ago, everything was a mess. Then he heard glass break and he turned to Lucile, seeing a broken mirror next to her. It made him sigh, and hearing what she said made him shake his head in disbelief. He had promised himself to not get to closer to her while he was stuck here, but he found this too silly to let go. So he walks up to her and sits down in front of her, lifting her face up by the chin as he looks into her eyes with a smile. "You are the most beautiful thing alive Lucile... don't do this.. nothing could ever compare to you" he says in a calm and loving tone as his hands move from her chin to her cheek, wiping her tears away with his thumb.

When she talked about how bad her hair was it made him smile at her, he moves his hand through her, going from her fringe to behind her ear. "It doesn't matter if its long or short, even or uneven. You look good either way, it's not just your hair that makes you gorgeous youknow.. Your tender lips, your cute nose, the deep eyes... " He had to stop because he started getting to much into it. When she jumped onto him, his arms were frozen for a second before securing her safely in his arms. He knew this was going down a path he was going to regret, making it harder to leave, if he would even be able to. But it felt so good, holding her into his arms again like before. As she started crying he put his head over hers, placing a kiss on her head as he raised a hand to the back of her head, gently going through her hair as he stroked her back with the other hand.

When she asked him for something good he looked down at her with a short smile "Something good huh?" He started thinking, and as he did, he also held her tighter as he made his way to the wall and leaned against it, still having Lucile in his arms. It was slightly so it would be more comfortable, but mainly because he had this predator feeling and having his back against the wall made him see the entire room clearly, he didn't even notice that it was that dark because of his night eyes. But as he moved the ray of sun grazed his face, leaving a burn mark, making him grunt as low as he could as he looked away from her, trying to hide it from her. Though it did remind him of something good, something to tell her, which made him smile again.

"Youknow, i don't think I've told you this before. When i met Lucia.. um.. the daughter of a good friend of ours" He knew it wasn't Jonathan's daughter but there was no point in going into details about that. "She has this ability.. she can show you your worst nightmare, or your best dream come true.." His smile got wider and wider as he talked about it. "She showed me us, you remember the meadow right? We were there, barely wearing any clothes seeing as warm as it was. I was sitting much like i am now, and you were laying with your head in my lap, letting me play with your hair. Smelling the flowers around us as our children are chasing each other laughing.." His voice is calm and warm. But it becomes more somber as he finishes. "It's all i ever wanted youknow.. it would have been so nice.." But he stops there, no point in going further into it. He knew she had a lot of questions to help her remember, but he was very hesitant to wanting her to remember anything at all.
He had been looking around the room and he eventually saw something on a table and got an idea. "Give me 2 seconds." He says quickly as he gets up and walks over tot he table, picking up some scissors, not that sharp but still usable, then returns to her, leaning on the wall with her in front of him. He holds them up to her "Do you trust me?" He says in a teasingly way.

As he sat down with her again he noticed that her expression was different than before, which made him curious to why that was, if it was something he said or something she thought of. He figured pressuring her for it wouldn't do any good so it would come out if she wanted to talk about it. When she said that she trusted him it got a smile out of him, hoping that he hadn't completely busted her trust after what he did. Just as he was going to turn her around for the haircut, she asked him a question, one that ripped his expression away, leaving a blank face instead. He knew exactly what she was talking about, it was not that long ago either so it was still clear as day to him. Now he knew why she had that expression of her face earlier, his story had made her remember it, thought seeing as she asked the question, it was not a clear memory to her. He felt conflicted again, telling her what happened would just start a domino effect where she would remember more and more. And that could not happen, not yet, but then if he didn't tell her anything, she would probably feel horrible, or get the wrong idea from it. "Eh..yeah.. You did, but it was for good intentions, trying to spare me from something.. Don't worry about it, everything worked out after that." His voice is calm but unsure, not because he was unsure that it worked out, but because he wasn't sure what he could say and what he could.

Seeing as she moved her hair back as he answered her, he just started cutting it, evening out everything, making it slightly shorter but only to straightening everything so look better. The only experience he had with cutting people's hair was during surgeries, so this would be one of the first times he did it out of medical reasons. But he wasn't doing anything fancy either way, it was mostly roughening out the edges. When he was finished he put the scissors on the floor next to him and brushed of the loose hair from her had and neck. As she turned around with the question he chuckled for a few seconds and answered. "Noo, of course you don't, It looks good on you." He says with a happy tone to his voice, because he meant it, he loved her long hair, but the new hair did actually look good on her. Just as he answered her, he planted a quick kiss on her lips and as he leaned back he realized how close he had gotten already, which made his smile fade away as he looked to her side "Sorry.." he said quickly. He wasn't really sorry about it, he liked it, wanted and would do more, it was tempting, but he had to stay rational, he was already too close, he couldn't get closer.

Seeing her smile after his response made him happier, after all, making her happy was what he lived for, there was nothing like it. The kiss was not planned, it just happened, like an automatic reaction that was engraved in his body. he knew it was wrong of him to do so, even if he didn't mean to do it, he still felt guilty for letting it happen, leading her on when he knew he couldn't finish it.
When she leaned in on him to continue kissing he was a bit surprised to it, but his arms still found their way to her sides and the longer he felt their lips go against each other, the more he felt human again, bringing back the past. Stopping her was not within his power, no matter how wrong it felt, the good feeling was ten times better, her arms going around his neck, her continuous kissing, it was breaking his will to struggle.
When she moved down to his neck, which was usually his sweet spot, he had an instantaneous flashback to what he did to her neck, giving him a second to snap out of it. He places his hands on her chest and stops her from reaching his neck. "I.. I'm sorry.." He said with a worried voice. Then gently pushes her further way as he gets up and walks a few steps away from her, rubbing his head while doing so. "It's not.. that i don't want to... You have no idea how much i want to continue that.." His voice is clearly conflicted, like he is arguing with himself. But then he lets out a big sigh. "But i can't.. I have to do this. It's just going to continue if i don't.. and you deserve better than that.. Our child deserves better than that.." His voice becomes more sure, but it still has a sad tone to it. He starts walking around the room slowly. "Being with you... it.. it makes me human again.. I can't have that.. Not for what I'm about to do." Thinking about what he has to do makes him think about what he has become. Walking around the room made him take notice of something in another room, so he walks in the doorway to take a closer look, and he sees that it was exactly what he thought it was.
Its a crib, broken and far from usable. He feels a tear go down his face as he is reminded of whats at stake in this, why he was doing this, but also what he will miss if he doesn't come back alive..

As he was standing in the doorway he heard what she said to him. "I know i don't deserve to have it back.. i already wasted it... It doesn't make you weak, humanity makes you strong, and that's what i can't have.. It will make it harder to break my oath.." He feels emptier inside than before, a dead heart was probably the cause of most of that. But when he was sitting with Lucile just now, it made him feel whole again, which made it all that worse doing this. What she continued to say broke his heart, she was right about it all, and it was for the best, but it hurt like nothing he had felt before. I don’t want to remember you, just to get yourself killed, You might never see me again.. He could feel his heart becoming more hollow the more she spoke about it, You’re already dead.. She was right, he died the day he let his guard down to Neph, he should never have gone to Lucile after that, it would be better if she just thought he died then and there, he would of spared her form all of this shit..

Tears had been running like a river down his face as he listened to what she said, he still had his look into the baby's room so she wouldn't notice it. He was just an empty shell now, a leech, a piece of shit that brought nothing but misery with him. A few seconds of silence had gone by before he sniffs and leans of the door frame, slowly making his way in the room to the opposite side. He leans his head and forearms against the wall, looking down as his face is trembling, struggling to not make any sound she would hear. He had never been good with handling emotions without her by his side, and now that the emotions came from hurting her, it made it a lot worse. The only way was to redirect his focus on something else, repressing the emotions. So he picks up a glass shard from the broken window next to him and cuts his arm, making his blood run down his arm, but it wasn't enough, with immortality came a greater resistant to pain. He drops the shard, making it shatter as it hits the ground, then he drags one of the boards blocking the window a bit down, making a ray of sunshine appear. As he can't deal with the emotional pain, he had to deal with a physical one, so he holds out his hand and feels it burn like he's holding a glowing red rod straight from a blacksmiths furnace. He clenches his teeth as his hand starts to tremble out of control, leaving the rest of his body to follow. But it doesn't stop, he holds his hand in the same place until his thoughts move from Lucile to the pain in his hand, he starts to unconsciously groan the longer it goes on. The second his thoughts move to his hand, he moves it out of the sunlight, leaving extreme burns on his palm. Then he exhales deeply, feeling the trembles in his breath, he makes a fist on the wounded hand clenches it tight, pressing it for more pain as he walks back over to the crib. Then picks up the broken parts and places it in the crib, leaning on it as he still feels tears drip down, landing inside the crib.
It felt so damn unfair, the cut on his cheek, on his lip, they had all healed, it was like he was avoiding deserving punishment and it felt horrible, he didn't want any of this. "I'm so sorry Lucile..." He lets out faintly to himself, it was clear that his desperate attempt to avoid his thoughts had not worked..